How to Safely Leave an Abusive Relationship: Legal Steps, Safety Plans, and Custody Solutions
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It’s hard to be in an abusive relationship. Whether you or someone you love has had to hide bruises, protect your children from launched chinaware, or even found yourself trying desperately to convince the partner you love that he or she needs help, it’s all painful, shameful, and hard. The little voice tells you, “This isn’t where I’m supposed to be.”
So, say you Google, “How to get out of an abusive relationship.” With a few keystrokes and mouse clicks, you encounter more bad news. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the abused partner tries to leave the abuser. Abuse is generally a sick cycle of power and control, and nothing ignites the ire of an abuser more than the partner escaping the power and control. According to that quick Google search, women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks after leaving than at any other time during the relationship. Now what?
As a family law attorney, few things are more rewarding than helping a person in this devastating situation. There are things that can be done: Precautions can be taken, safety plans can be made, and papers can be filed.
Understanding the Different Types of Abuse
Before you can safely leave an abusive relationship, it’s crucial to recognize the various forms abuse can take:
- Physical abuse: Hitting, pushing, choking, or using weapons.
- Emotional abuse: Insults, threats, manipulation, and humiliation.
- Psychological abuse: Gaslighting, isolating you from friends/family, and controlling your behavior.
- Financial abuse: Controlling access to money, restricting employment, stealing assets.
- Sexual abuse: Coercion, assault, reproductive control.
- Digital abuse: Monitoring devices, stalking through technology, online harassment.
- Coercive control: A pattern of intimidation, isolation, and micro-management.
The Cycle of Abuse: Why Leaving Is So Dangerous
Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous and emotionally charged step. Understanding the cycle of power and control can help:
- Tension Building: The abuser becomes increasingly controlling.
- Incident: Violence or manipulation erupts.
- Reconciliation: The abuser apologizes or manipulates the victim to stay.
- Calm (“Honeymoon Phase”): A temporary peace before tension builds again.
This pattern traps victims in a vicious cycle. Knowing this is critical to breaking free safely.
Safety Planning: Protecting Yourself Before You Leave
Your safety is the top priority. Consider these step-by-step safety planning actions:
Emergency Bag Checklist
- Copies of important documents (ID, birth certificates, Social Security cards, bank info)
- Medications and prescriptions
- Cash, prepaid cards, or financial resources
- Spare keys and transportation passes
- Cell phone charger and backup phone
- Emergency contacts written down
Digital Safety Steps
- Change passwords on all devices and accounts
- Enable two-factor authentication (2FA)
- Turn off location sharing on apps and devices
- Use incognito mode when researching help
- Perform a device safety check with a tech expert or local shelter
Financial Safety
- Open a separate bank account at a different institution
- Secure important financial documents (pay stubs, tax records)
- Freeze credit reports if needed
- Seek financial counseling through organizations like NNEDV’s Economic Justice Program
Trusted Support Network
- Establish a code word with family/friends for emergency help
- Inform a trusted contact about your plan
- Identify safe shelters or transitional housing programs in your area
Legal Options: Restraining Orders, Custody, and Beyond
One such option is the Restraining Order. They’re simple enough to acquire, can be enforced by the police, can take away the guns of the abuser, send him or her to Batterer’s Intervention therapy, and even kick the abuser out of the family home. After a hearing a few weeks from the initial filing, the order can be extended for up to five years. Mission accomplished, right?
Certainly, a Restraining Order is an important step in the process, but, sadly, I have seen too many overly-relieved people prematurely thinking their woes were over once the Judge signed the Restraining Order papers. Don’t get me wrong, Restraining Orders are incredibly important for dozens of reasons, but they are not infallible, especially when you have children with the abusive partner.
What Happens After a Restraining Order?
Even with a restraining order:
- Abusers may violate the order (learn how to report violations and enforce consequences).
- The court system may still require visitation arrangements.
- Documentation is crucial: Keep detailed logs of any contact or violations.
Child Custody Challenges in Abusive Situations
Regarding the abused person with children, the challenge becomes the custody arrangement. Even in some of the most horrific instances of abuse, California (and many states) wants both parents involved in the raising of children. This can certainly be a good thing, but oftentimes, it perpetuates the abusive cycle and makes completely disengaging nearly impossible.
Best best-case scenario is often supervised or monitored visitation. This thread of the previous relationship becomes a point of connection that a lawyered-up abuser can use to harass by:
- Withholding support
- Not agreeing to monitor
- Challenging visitation times
- Dragging the leaving partner into court countless times
If you’re facing this, seek assistance from:
- Family Law Attorneys (like those at DivorceDigest.com)
- Court-Appointed Child Advocates
- Legal Aid Societies
Beyond Legal Help: Emotional, Financial, and Practical Support Systems
Abusive relationships are hopelessly isolating. The first step is getting help. Here’s a list of support systems you can turn to:
Organizations and Hotlines
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
- RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-HOPE
- LoveisRespect (Teen Dating Abuse): 1-866-331-9474
- Safe Horizon (NYC): 1-800-621-HOPE
- California Partnership to End Domestic Violence: cpedv.org
Legal Resources
- California Courts Self-Help: courts.ca.gov/selfhelp
- Legal Aid Foundation of Los Angeles: lafla.org
- Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) protections
Housing and Financial Support
HUD’s Domestic Violence Housing Protections
NNEDV Economic Justice Program
TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families)
SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program)
Life After Leaving: Healing and Rebuilding
Leaving is just the beginning. Here’s how to reclaim your life:
Emotional Recovery
- Therapy for PTSD, anxiety, depression
- Join a support group for survivors
- Explore trauma-informed care options
Rebuilding Your Life
- Career counseling, job training programs
- Rebuilding credit and financial independence
- Creating a long-term safety and wellness plan
FAQs: Your Questions Answered
Is it safe to leave an abusive relationship without a plan?
It’s not recommended. Develop a safety plan, connect with professionals, and have resources ready.
How can I protect myself from digital stalking?
Change passwords, enable 2FA, turn off GPS, and consult with a digital security advocate.
What legal options exist beyond restraining orders?
Protective orders, emergency custody petitions, and filing under VAWA are available.
Can I get full custody if my partner was abusive?
It depends on state law and case specifics. Consult a family law attorney and document all abuse.
Where can I find help as an LGBTQ+ survivor?
Contact organizations like The Network/La Red or Forge for specialized support.
Take the First Step Toward Safety Today
If you or someone you love is trapped in an abusive relationship, know that you are not alone. DivorceDigest.com is here to guide you through the legal, emotional, and practical challenges of leaving. We offer compassionate support, legal resources, and expert advice to help you reclaim your life.
Contact us now for a confidential consultation.
