Yes, Men Can Be Abused Too: The Legal, Emotional, and Social Reality of Domestic Violence Against Men

Domestic violence is often narrowly perceived as physical violence inflicted by men upon women. However, modern definitions by organizations such as the CDC, WHO, and the U.S. Department of Justice now encompass a wider range of abusive behaviors. Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior that one partner uses to gain power over another in an intimate relationship. It spans physical, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, and digital abuse.

Comprehensive Types of Abuse:

• Physical Abuse: Includes acts of physical aggression such as hitting, choking, scratching, or using objects as weapons.
• Emotional Abuse: Constant belittling, humiliation, name-calling, and gaslighting.
• Psychological Abuse: Isolation from family and friends, instilling fear through threats, or controlling communication.
• Financial Abuse: Controlling access to money, preventing employment, or forcing financial dependence.
• Sexual Abuse: Non-consensual acts, coercion, or refusal to respect bodily autonomy.
• Digital Abuse: Using technology to harass, monitor, intimidate, or control a partner, such as tracking apps or unauthorized access to personal accounts.

October Is Domestic Violence Awareness Month: The Untold Stories of Male Victims

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, which means increased awareness about the atrocities of domestic violence and its devastating effects on families. Even with several years of experience working in the Domestic Violence Prevention community, at times, I fall into the same trap as most of us do. I hear “victim” or “survivor,” and, without intention, the image of a battered woman appears. It’s not surprising, after all, that study after study has shown that reported domestic violence happens predominantly to women. However, it can take only one experience to shake these assumptions.

Intersectionality and Domestic Violence: Who Gets Left Out?

Male victims, particularly those who are part of marginalized groups, face additional layers of complexity:

• Men of color often fear that police intervention could escalate to racial profiling or wrongful arrest.
• LGBTQ+ men may not find support systems tailored to their experiences.
• Immigrant men face threats of deportation or language barriers that deter them from seeking help.
• Elderly male victims may suffer from caregiver abuse that remains unreported due to dependence.

Understanding domestic violence requires recognizing how race, class, gender identity, and immigration status influence both victimization and access to support.

The Legal Labyrinth: Challenges Male Victims Face in Court

During the initial meeting with a client, I will often ask a set of standard questions to ascertain the issues within the case. Typically, domestic violence is rarely the centerpiece of the story; usually, it is cast as a side character or footnote of the relationship. Other facts will emerge first, such as infidelity, betrayal, or other heartbreak. Eventually, harder, but still routine, questions will be asked, such as “Was there any violence in the relationship?” For most male clients, the initial response is not wholly forthcoming. In comes the incredible power of my raised eyebrow, “Really? It appears there might be more to the story…?” Then the situation becomes more clear, he’ll explain how he never hit his partner, but his spouse would throw glasses at him, break phones, destroy rooms like a tornado, all the while calling him names and screaming epithets that would make flowers wilt. Men are not immune to the physical abuses of domestic violence either. There are countless instances of spouses, both women and men, choking them, hurting children, slapping, scratching, hair pulling, punching, broken noses, and, in some cases, the need for stitches. Sometimes domestic violence leaves marks, sometimes not, and layered with emotional belittling and isolation, the situation can be overwhelming.

Legal and Judicial Bias:

• Male victims often experience bias from law enforcement and judges who may perceive abuse claims as exaggerated or dismiss male vulnerability.
• The phrase, “He’s not really scared of her,” reflects a broader societal skepticism toward male victimhood.
• Even when presenting strong evidence, men may find difficulty in securing protective orders or gaining custody of their children due to gender stereotypes.

Understanding Abuse Patterns: The Duluth Model in Action

In cases such as these, I reference the Duluth Model Power and Control wheel and hand it to my client. The client uses a red pen and circles anything that applies to their relationship. Often, the wheel turns red, a visual representation of the different yet common methods an abuser uses to keep their spouse vulnerable and under “control”. (If you are relating to this article just a little too much, please Google it and see where your relationship fits in. If you need help, please reach out.) When domestic violence is involved, the family law case becomes more complex. Custody disputes regarding children, the decision of whether to get a restraining order, or whether to call the police the next time (Pro tip: there’s always a next time), can have huge repercussions in a dissolution.

Applying the Duluth Model:

• Helps identify non-physical forms of abuse such as intimidation, emotional isolation, or using children as leverage.
• Allows clients to visually map abuse patterns and recognize coercive control dynamics.

Gathering Evidence: Building a Legally Persuasive Case

To start the process of recovery, I have compiled a list of the top five things anyone, regardless of gender, can do in a violent relationship, even if they are not sure they are ready to leave the relationship.

• Tell someone you trust: This is undoubtedly the hardest part. Our culture has grouped violence in relationships with the same basket as shame. That’s wrong. Violence is a contagion, and unlike us humans, violence does not discriminate. Tell someone.
• Photographic Evidence: Take pictures of the aftermath. If tables are knocked over or vases broken or cell phones smashed, take a picture. Save the picture somewhere your partner cannot find it. If you seek a restraining order or prosecute the crime, this evidence can be extremely persuasive.
• Testimonial Evidence: Collect statements from neighbors, friends, or coworkers who witnessed abuse or its aftermath.
• Textual Evidence: If your partner threatens you or talks about how he/she hurt you, save the messages. Forward them to an email account your partner doesn’t have access to or to a friend you trust.
• Legal Evidence: Past restraining orders, police reports, or medical records related to injury.
• Have a plan: Volatile relationships can shift on a dime. Be ready to leave and find a place to go. If you cannot stay with your extended family, go through safe websites to find shelters that meet your needs. Some shelters don’t accept men, some don’t accept pets, and some are massively overcrowded. Don’t be deterred. Call a family law attorney or a domestic violence non-profit.

If you feel your life is in danger, call the police. Get to a safe place to wait for them to arrive. Choking, knife-wielding, and gun pulling are all very, very serious situations. Please, please don’t forget that all too often, domestic violence is deadly.

Storing evidence in secure digital environments like encrypted drives or forwarding them to a trusted third party can preserve credibility.

Male Victims and Societal Conditioning: The Role of Gender Norms

Men are bigger, we think. Men are stronger. Men can take care of themselves. What kind of stone age logic is this premised on? We all have brothers, fathers, uncles, boyfriends, male friends – are they all made of stone? Certainly, we all know that to perpetuate the belief that men cannot or do not suffer violence from their partners is to perpetuate the idea that men are emotionally less than women. It’s simply not true. It may not happen to every man, but it does happen, and we need to start listening. We cannot ignore that domestic violence is a reality for many men in our community. It doesn’t take away from the thousands of women who suffer domestic violence; it just means that our community of survivors is bigger than we originally thought.

To help these men is to tackle another wing of the dragon of violence. When we believe men and treat them like we would any other victim of domestic violence, we create room for both healing and the opportunity to most effectively create a violence-free future for these men and their families. Even in 2015, it’s hard to go into court and request a domestic violence restraining order for a man. In my time as an attorney, several times I’ve heard the words from the bench, “He’s not really scared of her.” As with most shifts in attitudes from the bench, understanding starts with the people and will work its way up.

Why Men Stay Silent:

• Masculine Socialization: Admitting abuse contradicts societal norms of male stoicism.
• Fear of Not Being Believed: Cultural disbelief that women can be perpetrators.
• Lack of Shelter Access: Some facilities still do not accommodate male survivors.
• Shame and Internalized Blame: Many men assume they should have “fought back” or handled the situation.

The Role of Forensic Psychology in Domestic Violence

Understanding the psychological impact of abuse is critical to building a complete legal and recovery plan. Forensic psychologists can:

• Conduct trauma assessments to demonstrate psychological injury.
• Testify in court about coercive control and emotional manipulation.
• Provide documentation for PTSD or depression linked to prolonged abuse.

Geographical Variations in Legal Protections

Legal frameworks differ from state to state:

• Restraining Order Laws: Some states require imminent danger; others accept past threats.
• Shelter Access Laws: Jurisdiction may dictate whether male victims are eligible for certain housing or protective services.
• Custody Laws: Definitions of “best interest of the child” vary and often subtly favor maternal custody without examining abuse evidence.

For California-specific guidance, Reape Rickett’s attorneys offer localized expertise in interpreting family law statutes.

What Reape Rickett Does for Victims of Domestic Violence

At Reape Rickett, we believe no victim should face domestic abuse alone, regardless of gender. We offer:

• Legal aid in securing emergency and permanent restraining orders
• Representation in custody disputes where abuse is a factor
• Strategic evidence consultation, helping clients document patterns of abuse effectively
• Referrals to shelters, trauma therapists, and victim advocacy groups

Contact Reape Rickett today for a confidential consultation and take the first step toward legal and emotional freedom.

Additional Support Resources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
• DomesticShelters.org: Nationwide shelter locator
• MaleSurvivor.org: Resources tailored to men recovering from abuse
• California Partnership to End Domestic Violence: Local services and legal help

Frequently Asked Questions

Are men eligible for restraining orders?

Yes. All genders can apply for restraining orders if they have been victims of abuse. The standard varies by state, but documented patterns of emotional or physical abuse qualify.

What kind of lawyer should I hire for a domestic violence case?

You should seek a family law attorney with experience handling DV-related custody, restraining orders, and spousal support. Reape Rickett specializes in these cases.

Can digital harassment be included in abuse cases?

Absolutely. Threatening texts, GPS tracking, and hacking into personal accounts are forms of digital abuse and can support a case for restraining orders or criminal charges.

How do I protect my children in an abusive household?

Legal mechanisms include emergency custody orders, child protective services reports, and testimony from child psychologists. Courts consider abuse toward a partner as a risk to children’s welfare.

What’s the first step if I want to leave?

Plan securely. Gather your evidence, contact an attorney, and find a safe space. Avoid alerting the abuser until arrangements are finalized.

Final Words: Every Survivor Deserves to Be Heard

Relationships with violence are hard to leave, no matter who you are. Whether it’s shame, love, commitment, pride, religion, children, or money, there are countless reasons why people stay. That being said, there are countless reasons to leave. If you want or need help, it is out there. There are shelters, nonprofits, and family law attorneys who can walk you through getting out. It is possible, no matter who you are. And to everyone else, if you are confronted with a friend telling you about domestic violence in their family, listen. Do not let a preconceived notion stop you from potentially giving someone the advice that could save their life.

Your Path to Safety Starts with One Step

At Reape Rickett, we understand the courage it takes to seek help. Whether you are male or female, young or old, domestic violence is never justified, and you are not alone.

Let our compassionate legal team guide you through the process, from documentation to court representation, with professionalism and care.

Schedule your confidential consultation now at Reape Rickett and take control of your future.